Psychological Adjustment & Sibling Parenting Capacity

Sep 8

6 min read

Updated: Sep 19

Becoming responsible for a younger brother or sister can happen suddenly and in circumstances that are extremely difficult. An older sibling may become a carer following the death of a parent, family breakdown, abuse or neglect, parental substance misuse, imprisonment, serious illness or another crisis. There may be little time to prepare, and the sibling carer may have to make major changes to their own life while also supporting a younger sibling(s).

Becoming a Sibling Carer and Some Responsibilities

Kinship care arrangements can sometimes happen with little warning. Research has found that kinship carers may receive limited preparation, advice or support when a child comes to live with them (McCartan et al., 2018).

For an older sibling, this can be particularly challenging. You may suddenly find yourself responsible for:

Providing a safe and stable home.
Supporting your sibling's emotional needs.
Managing school and education.
Attending appointments.
Dealing with social workers and other professionals.
Managing household and financial responsibilities.
Making decisions about your sibling's day-to-day life.
Supporting your sibling while dealing with your own feelings.

At the same time, you may be grieving the loss of your previous family life or worrying about the future. You may also be trying to continue with your own education, employment, relationships and plans.

Grief and Loss

Some sibling kinship carers become carers following the death of a parent. Grief can affect concentration, sleep, relationships, mood and the ability to cope with everyday responsibilities. It is therefore understandable that caring for a younger sibling during bereavement can feel particularly difficult. You may experience several emotions at the same time. You might feel: grief; sadness; anger; guilt; anxiety; relief; fearing the future; feelings of protecting; resentment about the changes to lifestyle; love and pride; and exhaustion.

There is no single "right" way to feel about becoming a sibling carer. You can love your sibling deeply and still find caring for difficult.

Sibling Relationship Changes

Before becoming their sibling carer, you were your siblings. Afterwards, you may become the person responsible for their care. This can change the relationship between you as siblings. You may find yourself setting boundaries, enforcing rules, attending meetings and making decisions that previously belonged to your parent. Your younger sibling may sometimes see you as their carer rather than simply as their sibling. This can create difficult feelings for both of you. It is possible to feel both like a sibling and like a parent at the same time. It is also possible to become frustrated with your sibling while still loving them deeply. These experiences are not unusual.

Experience of Trauma

Children who enter (sibling) kinship care have often experienced significant difficulties before moving in with their relatives. These experiences can include: abuse or neglect; parental substance misuse; domestic abuse; bereavement; separation from parents; abandonment; instability or repeated changes in where they live (Griggs et al., 2010; McCartan et al., 2018).

A younger sibling may arrive with emotional or behavioural difficulties. They may be frightened, angry, withdrawn or confused, with difficulties with school and friendships. They may have difficulty understanding why they cannot live with their parent. Children respond to difficult experiences in different ways.

Family Connectedness

Although children entering kinship care may have experienced trauma, living with a family member can also provide important emotional security. Research has found that children in kinship care can describe feeling loved, supported and connected to their families in ways that may be less common in unrelated foster placements (Broad, 2007). Kinship care can allow children to remain connected to people who already know them, their history and their family. For a younger child, living with an older sibling can mean staying with someone who shares their memories, family experiences and identity. This familiarity can be particularly important during a period of significant change. Research has also suggested that kinship placements can be less traumatic for some children than moving into unrelated care (McCartan et al., 2018). However, being cared for by family does not remove the impact of previous trauma. A child can feel safe and loved by their sibling while still needing specialist help.

Mental Health

Research has identified mental health difficulties among both kinship carers and children living in kinship care. Some kinship carers experience significant emotional distress, particularly when they are dealing with bereavement, family conflict or the circumstances that led to the child coming into their care (Farmer, 2009). Importantly, research has found that children in kinship care and children in unrelated foster care can experience similar levels of mental health difficulties, suggesting that some children in kinship care may benefit from specialist mental health support (Farmer, 2009). Yet research has also found that relatively few kinship families successfully access mental health services, despite experiencing significant emotional and psychological needs (DeJong et al., 2016).

Asking For Help

Some carers may worry that asking for support will make professionals think they are unable to care for their sibling. This can be particularly frightening when children's social care is involved. But asking for help is not a sign that you are failing. Caring for a younger sibling can be demanding, particularly when you are also dealing with your own grief, trauma or other difficulties.

Getting support can help you to:

Understand your own emotions.
Manage stress.
Process grief and loss.
Understand your sibling's behaviour.
Develop healthy boundaries.
Strengthen your relationship with your sibling.
Cope with difficult family relationships.
Maintain your own wellbeing.

Children Need Explanations Too

One of the difficulties children can experience in kinship care is not understanding why they are no longer living with their parents. Research has found that some children do not fully understand why they are living with family members rather than their parents. Some may blame their kinship carer or social worker for what has happened (Farmer, 2009). Children need information that is appropriate for their age and understanding.

Where possible, adults should help children understand:

Why they are living with their sibling.
What has happened to their parent.
That the situation is not their fault.
What will happen next.
Who will look after them.
Who they can talk to when they are worried.

The explanation may need to change as the child gets older and becomes able to understand more about their family circumstances. If you are unsure how to talk to your sibling about what has happened, ask their social worker, school or a relevant professional for advice.

Life Story Work

Life story work can be helpful for some children who have experienced separation, loss or changes in their family circumstances. Life story work can help a child understand their history, make sense of what has happened and develop a coherent sense of their identity.

For children in kinship care, this may include helping them understand:

Where they came from.
Important people in their life.
Their relationship with their parents.
Why they came to live with their sibling.
Significant events in their childhood.
Memories they have.
What their family life looks like now.

Life story work should be approached sensitively and at a pace that is appropriate for the child. A social worker or appropriately trained professional may be able to help you understand whether life story work would be suitable for your sibling.

Getting Support is Part of Caring

Sibling kinship care can involve enormous love and commitment, but it can also involve grief, trauma, responsibility and uncertainty. You may be supporting your sibling while trying to process your own experiences. You do not have to be completely okay in order to be a good carer. What matters is recognising when you or your sibling need help and knowing where to find it. At Sibling Kinship, we believe that the wellbeing of the sibling carer matters just as much as the wellbeing of the child they care for. Supporting sibling carers means supporting the whole family.

Further support

If you are worried about your own or your sibling's mental health, speak to your GP, your sibling's GP, school or college, social worker or another appropriate professional.

References and further reading

Broad, B. (2007). Research examining the experiences and outcomes of children and carers in kinship care, including the strengths and challenges of family-based placements.

DeJong, M., et al. (2016). Research examining the mental health needs of children and families in kinship care, including access to mental health services and the assessment of attachment and other mental health difficulties.

Farmer, E. (2009). Research examining children placed with family and friends, including carers' circumstances, family conflict, children's mental health and contact arrangements.

Griggs, J., et al. (2010). Research examining children's relationships with family members and the emotional and practical support available within kinship networks.

McCartan, C., et al. (2018). Research examining kinship care, including the experiences and support needs of kinship carers and children.

Department for Education (2024). Kinship Care: Statutory Guidance for Local Authorities. Current statutory guidance for local authorities in England concerning kinship care and support for kinship families.GOV.UK – Kinship care: statutory guidance for local authorities